A sucker is born...

Living "out in the country" as we do, you tend to have limited options when it comes to television and Internet access. As for our family, we're stuck with my favorite outdoor decoration, a satellite dish. Make that two satellite dishes, to be exact. Don't get me wrong, I love the modern invention and those hardworking men and women who make sure something is orbiting the earth at all times, but sometimes it drives me crazy.

I'm willing to bet that those satellite people at {Company name edited for fear of removal of services and lack of clear picture} love us. I mean, we shell out some serious dough to be contributing members of modern society. Then, we have our uncontrollable obsessions with shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm that appear only on networks that cost $15 extra each month.

Last month, my better half and I bit the bullet and ordered this premium channel, shelling out a mere (additional) $15 a month to watch the Seinfeld reunion on said beloved show. It was beautiful, it was hilarious and now it's over. 

Show's over? Well, then we don't need HBO anymore. It's all automated (I didn't even have to talk to a real person to sign up for HBO!) so I'll just give that crazy machine with the lady voice that makes me want to scream and tell her to cancel it. Right? Wrong.

Crazy machine with the lady voice: "Please tell me what you'd like to do today."

Me: "CANCEL HBO!!" (that's me screaming so she can understand me)

Crazy: "I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. Did you say you want to cancel HBO."

Me: "I did."

Crazy: "I'm sorry I didn't understand you. Please use commands like, 'Yes' and 'No' "

Me: "YES YES YES YES YES YES"

Crazy: "I understand. You want to cancel HBO. I'll transfer you to a helpful associate."

Me: "ARG."

After explaining to another lady (this one not a robot with a lady voice) that I want to cancel HBO, she reacted as though I told her my dog was just hit by a car. "OH NO! Awww, is something wrong?" said said like we were childhood pals.

Sorry, but that's misuse of the term "AWWWW" when I tell you I don't want HBO anymore, sister. She then wanted to be sure, for good measure, that I realized how many exciting boxing matches and award-winning documentaries were on HBO.

Wait, what? What am I doing? Boxing AND documentaries--I like those things. Sweaty men and informational programs are the height of my intellectual development. Then, as if she was reading from a script, she followed it up with "What can I do to make you change your mind?" I said, "Give me free HBO." That, I'm afraid was on her script and after stuttering a bit she said, "How does $5 off a month sound?"

That my dear, does not sound like free HBO. After that, her script ran out and she gave into my will. Good thing I don't fall for marketing ploys and faux sympathy.