Who are you?

It’s a simple question, one that we’re asked quite often by strangers. Someone asked me this the other day, and after telling them my name the look in their face made me realize they wanted to know much more. Who am I? Well, I’m a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a PR director, a runner, a blah, blah, blah. I’m a lot of things to a lot of people, as we all are, but who am I really?


It begs a deeper question that goes beyond our name: deep down, who are you? I’m not talking about your identity; I’m talking about who you truly are at the core of your being. When the makeup comes off, the jewelry is put away and you lay in bed at night just like every other human being, what makes you your unique self?

So often, we use our makeup, our clothing and our “things” to create a persona for ourselves. We think we’re fooling others by adorning ourselves with the most expensive this or the best that, but are we really fooling anyone? If all of our things were gone tomorrow, what would we be left with?

I sometimes feel like I spend too much time worrying about what I am to everyone else, rather than working on who I really am to myself. When it comes down to it, it really and truly doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. Why must we have such an overarching desire to fit in or to make others think we’re perfect and fabulous at every second of the day? It makes me tired just thinking about the work involved in achieving the impossibility that is perfection.

We sometimes hide who we truly are because we fear it will ruin our lives or make others dislike us. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I love Ellen DeGeneres. I love that she’s strong, self-deprecating and unabashedly herself, regardless of what others think. (That’s also why I love Lady Gaga so much, but that’s another post for another day.) Ellen has been very candid about the impact that truly being herself had on her career at one time: when she came out in 1997 on a Time magazine cover, she went without work for three years.

Yet, through it all she remained true to herself—even when it meant her career might be over. These days, she’s doing amazing things with her life. In the end, staying true to herself has paid off. That's the way it should be.

More than anything, I love Ellen’s message to the world. In a recent interview with Katie Couric for Glamour magazine, she said this:

“Find out who you are and be that person. That’s what your soul was put on this earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth, and everything else will come.”

*SWOON* Isn't that fantastic?

So often, we hesitate to truly be our authentic selves for fear that others will judge, criticize or dislike us. I'm just as guilty as you are. How frequently do you say what you think someone wants to hear, simply so you can keep the peace? Do you just go through the motions, doing what others expect of you because it's easier?

I distinctly remember feeling so overwhelmed at age 18 when I had to choose what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Seriously, how on earth can a teenager possibly make such a life-altering decision?

What if I make the wrong decision, I lamented to my parents for months on end. What if I choose a path and I spend the rest of my life in misery, ruing the day I ever made my choice? It was, to say the least, the biggest decision I've ever made in my life. Looking back, I know in my heart that I made the right choice. My life isn't perfect, but I know that I'm right where I should be, living out my life's passion and doing something that I love. I made the right choice because I knew, in my heart, that I wasn't an accountant or a lawyer; I was a writer, a talker and if I didn't allow myself to be those things, I would be miserable for the rest of my life.

So, who am I?

I'm head over heels in love with writing

I always follow my heart, not my head

I never follow the directions

I don't think it could happen to me--whatever "it" is

I love deeply and quickly, but hold grudges endlessly

I worry--a lot

I'm clumsy, but only because I quickly rush through everything

I always believe that there is still hope, even if it's impossible


Here's some unsolicited advice: figure out who you are now, because if you don't, you'll spend your life being what everyone else wants you to be.

You Run Away

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring which you have not, but remember that what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for."

I love analogies. I also love running. So, naturally, I truly love when running can be used for an analogy on life. I run because it makes me feel good and sometimes, it’s the only way I can feel better in general. The benefit my body receives from the physical activity is just a bonus, really.

So, I often ask myself on these treks: what are you running from?

I run for a lot of reasons, but some days it feels like I’m really only running from the one thing I can’t avoid: my destiny. Ever notice how much time you spend avoiding something, only to find it waiting for you, right where you started? It’s like a sick joke that everyone else finds to be hilarious, and you force yourself to laugh along so they don’t realize it makes you want to vomit. It’s as though the universe laughs at all the time you waste, and rewards you with what you deserved in the first place for all your hard work in avoiding it.

I run from what I know, deep down, is my destiny because it scares me. It’s not where I thought I would be, so I like to pretend my destiny doesn’t exist. It’s just so much easier that way. Or, I like to pretend that it’s in my power to change it entirely. It’s so much easier for us to live our lives with our head in the clouds than our minds in reality.

It’ll happen, just relax, don’t worry, take a vacation—that’s what people like to tell us when we fret about the things we cannot control. But, at what point is it really OK to worry, justified to freak out and when do we acknowledge that well, it’s just not going to happen? Not right now and probably not ever. Oh and where do you recommend that I should go on that fabulous vacation? Do my troubles know how to get to Fiji?

I don’t know the answers yet, so I just continue running because it feels better. Running is easier than facing the dread that seems to chase me wherever I go. Running is a hell of a lot easier than waiting for the answers, because a month or two seems more like a year or five. Maybe if I stay just a few paces ahead of the unknown, it will never catch up with me and become reality. Coping skills at their best, right?

To fill my time, I find myself starting to compose e-mails and then save them as drafts, telling myself that I’ll come back to them in a few days. A month later, they’re still waiting for me to write more than the word “Hi, ” Or, I begin to dial a phone number and hang up on the first ring like some deranged prank caller. It’s like I’m slowly trying to drive myself completely insane.

That would be giving up on my dream, I tell myself. I’m not ready to give up, not just yet. But when am I allowed to give up, I wonder? Will I know? Will someone tell me when I can give up, or do I just give up whenever I choose? Does Amazon.com carry the book, “Giving Up on your Life’s Dream for Dummies,” or do you recommend I write that book myself? Just dare me; I'll do it. Swear.

Or, should I continue to exist as my own stubborn self, refusing to give in to common sense when it feels like the deck is stacked against me? Sometimes, I think it’s my own inability to admit defeat that keeps me afloat, continuing to run through the motions. At face value, it seems impossible. In practice, it's the easiest thing you'll ever do.

So, I'm going to leave you with my confusing, vague description of what I'm running from. When I stop running, maybe I'll be strong enough to admit defeat out loud. But for now, I'm going to keep running.
 
The question is: what are YOU running from?
 
Barenaked Ladies "You Run Away"

So happy together: A belated Valentine post

I have a confession: I think Valentine’s Day is a dumb, fake holiday. I’ve never been the sappy type, so a day devoted to expensive gifts and red foil covered chocolate makes me want to barf. I think my husband should be sweet to me all the time, not just on one designated day a year. OK, so perhaps the day of my birth and our anniversary are exceptions to that rule; he should always be really sweet to me on those days.


This is why my super fantastic Valentine’s Day post is 5 days late. Here’s what I wrote on V-Day, but didn’t get around to posting until today:

Some experiences stick with you forever; the moment I met Adam is one of those moments for me. I still remember every vivid detail. It was the early fall of my sophomore year of college, circa 2002. My friends and I went to the University of Dayton for a party, but primarily because one of my friends was crushing hard on a guy on their football team.

I still remember what I was wearing: a horrible faux shredded jean skirt and an adorable black tulle-like tank top from Express with my favorite black platform Steve Madden sandals. My really short, really blonde hair was flipped out in my favorite wing-like pattern, which I seem to recall taking an extended amount of time to perfect.

We headed up north to Dayton and enjoyed cans of Beast before heading to a (no lie) “Mexican Prison Party” in someone’s apartment with my friend’s crush and a group of his male friends. The throwers of said party didn’t care much for us, so they continually asked us to stay in a bedroom because they were worried the noise would get them in trouble. I remember being annoyed and I remember scoping out the guy situation, that’s about it. In my mind, all I recall of Adam is that he was lounging on some sort of beanbag chair; I don’t remember thinking he was cute or fantastic. I still remember what he was wearing: a deep maroon colored t-shirt, holey jeans and sandals.

After the Prison Party was a bust, we went back to a dorm room to play drinking games with more disgusting beer. My extreme lack of a filter and searing sarcasm got the best of me and I began aiming my insults at Adam. He later told me that he thought I was a miserable human being until I caught his eye and smiled at him; which I do not recall. Then, he found me to be quite witty and charming and assumed I was hitting on him. I don’t think I was, but I don’t have the heart to dash his former hopes. He also later told me that he had an eye on one of my friends and thought I was too stuck up. It must have been my flippy hair.

As the night wore on, he and I began talking and hit it off. Our friends, in true peer pressure style, convinced me to go back with him to his dorm room. I did, and that’s when we realized one important unifying force in our soon to be relationship: Bob Seger. I remember the look on his face when, sitting on some disgusting dorm room hand-me-down sofa, I told him that the first concert I’d ever been to was Bob Seger. I fully expected him and his roommates to laugh me out the door; instead he quickly ran from the room. He returned seconds later with a handful of Bob Segar CD’s, shoving them into my lap. After asking me a few times if I had snuck into his bedroom and saw the CD’s, and made up the story to impress him (I didn’t) he began talking about his love for classic rock.

After sending me back to Cincinnati the next morning, we saw one another a handful of times before that winter. We’d only known each other for a few months, but our relationship had quickly blossomed, save one small problem: he was engineering major at the time and was headed to Washington, D.C. for a co-op for the semester. I attended his going away party (I wore a black American Eagle cable knit sweater turtleneck, in case you were wondering) and after the night had concluded, we decided that we would have a casual relationship while he was away.

That lasted roughly a month, until I called him crying and asking if he would be my boyfriend. The rest, as they say, is history. Adam proposed to me in 2006, we married in 2007 and I stopped using a curling iron to flip out my hair. That horrible jean skirt is long gone, but I still keep that Express tank top. It makes me smile every time I walk into the closet.

An inexplicable number of things I hate about you

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Lent. Every year, this Holy Day rolls around and I find myself scrambling to find something to live without for the next 40 days. Usually, I strive to make things as excruciating for myself as possible. You know, because that’s what Jesus wants.
A few years ago, I gave up alcohol. It was torture and made everyone think I was pregnant. Annoying. Before that, I gave up my much-beloved pretzel addiction. It brought tears to my eyes—less salty than normal due to the lack of salt intake, natch. I honestly have no idea what I gave up for Lent last year; it was that memorable.

As a child, however, I spent most of the Lenten season jumping from one resolution to the next. I’d give up desserts until one was in front of me, quickly changing to something else to give up instead. I probably lasted 3 days, tops. Looking back, I realize that it was just easier to act like I was doing without something than actually doing without it. I do that a lot; working so hard to act like I’m doing something, instead of trying just a little less to actually do it instead.

That got me to thinking about all the things I could change about myself, not give up, over the next 40 days. In contrast, not eating or drinking something seems so inconsequential. So, for the sake of Type A decision making: I have compiled a list of my negative qualities up on the chopping block for Lent.
My least flattering attributes

Bitter sarcasm

Rash decision making

Clumsiness

Compulsive shopping

Harsh, constant judgment of others

Excessive reality show viewing

Excessive question asking

Referring to myself as “mommy” in reference to the dog

Wearing the most inappropriate shoes possible at all times

Laughing uncontrollably in uncomfortable social situations

Paralyzing fear of confrontation

Taking 2 hours to get ready for anything

Building mountains out of mole hills

Overanalyzing everything

Worrying about things I cannot control

Crying about things I cannot control

Crying over spilled milk

Feeling annoyance for people who read while using the bathroom

Trying to please everyone

Inability to keep plants alive

Trying on numerous outfits before leaving the house

Rage-o-holic behavior behind the wheel of a car


While all of these things are stupid and I’m sure annoying for anyone who spends roughly 5 minutes in my presence, I couldn’t possibly rid myself of all these demons in 40 days. Plus, let’s be honest: the fact that I think it’s really dumb that you read a book while pooping is never going to change. Not even I can touch that one, people.

OK, so let's get to my point: I'm giving up something I don't like about myself for 40 days in a feeble attempt to, in some way, become a better person. I'm going to attempt to rid my life of compulsive shopping, overanalyzing everything and trying to please everyone.
 
Everybody OK with that?

What Goes Around

It’s been almost a year since someone broke into our home. I still remember the crippling wave of panic that swept over me that day when it hit me what had just happened. He kicked in a door and waltzed into the one place on this earth where I feel safe. It made me sick to think about what it really meant: after studying my daily routine, a stranger had forced his way into my home, rifled through my possessions and took what he wanted. Then, he walked home and sold it to the highest bidder.


I was shaken that day, but I was mostly angry. It’s a difficult thing, trying to understand why someone would choose to do something terrible to you. Your mind floods with ridiculous questions, mind-boggling scenarios and a myriad of what-ifs. But, as I reflect on what happened last year, I keep coming back to the idea of karma. I’ve always believed that each and every one of us, regardless of who we are and what we believe, will always get what we deserve.

The idea of karma in this particular scenario seems obvious: he broke into the homes of nearly 10 people, stole their possessions and was caught 7 months later. He’s been sitting in jail since October and recently pled guilty to a reduced charge. He is slated to be sentenced for his crimes (including probation violation) later this month. It’s safe to say that he got what he deserved---we all got what we deserved.

Yet, despite all of this, I somehow cannot shake the irony of one tiny detail of this man: his age. Just two years span between us, but somehow we live in completely different worlds. I don’t know him and I hope that his mug shot is the closest I come to ever seeing his face, but deep down I wonder about him. I wonder about the series of horrible choices he probably made on his way to choosing to break into my home. I think about the good choices that brought me to this point in my life and the fact that our paths crossed, in a way, only because I made my choices and he made his. It’s almost as though being a good person and being a terrible person made our lives intersect for just one day—and that’s what disturbs me.

I still wonder what went though his mind that day, even when it sickens me. Did he look around my home at the life I’ve worked so hard to build for myself and realize that he could’ve made something—anything—of himself? Or, was he just thinking about how quickly he could rifle through my jewelry box and run home before someone heard the dog barking? Maybe I’m looking into it too much; perhaps he thinks his life is good and he enjoys being a thief. Hell, he probably thinks it’s me who is the pathetic one, slaving away at an actual 9-5 job and paying off college loans until 2022.

Then again, I imagine the cold steel bars of prison have a way of changing one's outlook on life.

Spend 'em if ya got 'em

I hate mornings. Really, they are just horrible. If it weren’t for the crutch of highly caffeinated coffee, I’d consider skipping them entirely. However, my waytoochipperforhisowndamngoodinthemorning husband has a diploma from an entirely different school of thought. He somehow managed to convince me yesterday that NOT sleeping in was a good idea.  
He also talked me to do the following:
• Wake up early enough to attend 8:00 a.m. mass
• Drink only one cup of coffee
• Spend faint-inducing amounts of money at Home Depot

OK, so maybe I didn’t need any convincing on the last one. “They were having a sale” is my favorite line and well, they were.

Actually, Home Depot is doing this awesome thing right now, which is perfect timing for our bathroom renovation. It’s funny to use words like “perfect” and “timing” when talking about said restroom because those have never, ever been concerns. We ripped this thing down to the studs two years ago and never put it back together again. We were just waiting for the right time, OK? Actually, we just closed the door and pretended it didn’t exist until it slowly drove us completely insane.

Nothing like a big sale to inspire you to accomplish something; that’s why we waited two years to accomplish anything at all. So, to make up for lost time, we bought so much stuff at Home Depot that we had to make two trips to transport it all home in our pick up truck. From a new shower to a shiny faucet, we seriously  bought it all yesterday.

My favorite purchase? This little beauty:

Isn't she pretty?

A bathroom vanity was seriously a major point of contention in this space. This bathroom is really small and located upstairs where not many people will be viewing it on a regular basis, so it became increasingly difficult to justify spending a lot of money on a vanity. I fought tooth and nail and just as I was about to give up the fight, this vanity fell from the discontinued merchandise heavens and we got this thing for a steal, people. As in, $150 less than is currently listed on their website, steal. It was in an odd location, didn't have a price and had a big "DISC" sign on the side of its wonky-looking box. I knew we were destined to be soulmates. I had to resist my visceral reaction to hug the employee who told me its price, so I instead hugged the vanity, preventing anyone else from claiming it as their own. MINE!

So, we brought our loot home and the reality of having to do serious amounts of physical labor dawned on us 5 minutes later. I mean, it's been torn up for two years; what's another 6 months?