You Run Away

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring which you have not, but remember that what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for."

I love analogies. I also love running. So, naturally, I truly love when running can be used for an analogy on life. I run because it makes me feel good and sometimes, it’s the only way I can feel better in general. The benefit my body receives from the physical activity is just a bonus, really.

So, I often ask myself on these treks: what are you running from?

I run for a lot of reasons, but some days it feels like I’m really only running from the one thing I can’t avoid: my destiny. Ever notice how much time you spend avoiding something, only to find it waiting for you, right where you started? It’s like a sick joke that everyone else finds to be hilarious, and you force yourself to laugh along so they don’t realize it makes you want to vomit. It’s as though the universe laughs at all the time you waste, and rewards you with what you deserved in the first place for all your hard work in avoiding it.

I run from what I know, deep down, is my destiny because it scares me. It’s not where I thought I would be, so I like to pretend my destiny doesn’t exist. It’s just so much easier that way. Or, I like to pretend that it’s in my power to change it entirely. It’s so much easier for us to live our lives with our head in the clouds than our minds in reality.

It’ll happen, just relax, don’t worry, take a vacation—that’s what people like to tell us when we fret about the things we cannot control. But, at what point is it really OK to worry, justified to freak out and when do we acknowledge that well, it’s just not going to happen? Not right now and probably not ever. Oh and where do you recommend that I should go on that fabulous vacation? Do my troubles know how to get to Fiji?

I don’t know the answers yet, so I just continue running because it feels better. Running is easier than facing the dread that seems to chase me wherever I go. Running is a hell of a lot easier than waiting for the answers, because a month or two seems more like a year or five. Maybe if I stay just a few paces ahead of the unknown, it will never catch up with me and become reality. Coping skills at their best, right?

To fill my time, I find myself starting to compose e-mails and then save them as drafts, telling myself that I’ll come back to them in a few days. A month later, they’re still waiting for me to write more than the word “Hi, ” Or, I begin to dial a phone number and hang up on the first ring like some deranged prank caller. It’s like I’m slowly trying to drive myself completely insane.

That would be giving up on my dream, I tell myself. I’m not ready to give up, not just yet. But when am I allowed to give up, I wonder? Will I know? Will someone tell me when I can give up, or do I just give up whenever I choose? Does Amazon.com carry the book, “Giving Up on your Life’s Dream for Dummies,” or do you recommend I write that book myself? Just dare me; I'll do it. Swear.

Or, should I continue to exist as my own stubborn self, refusing to give in to common sense when it feels like the deck is stacked against me? Sometimes, I think it’s my own inability to admit defeat that keeps me afloat, continuing to run through the motions. At face value, it seems impossible. In practice, it's the easiest thing you'll ever do.

So, I'm going to leave you with my confusing, vague description of what I'm running from. When I stop running, maybe I'll be strong enough to admit defeat out loud. But for now, I'm going to keep running.
 
The question is: what are YOU running from?
 
Barenaked Ladies "You Run Away"